I got busted!

There are times in the library when I wonder if anybody is listening or if I'm just talking to myself.  So sometimes I test the kids and say absolutely ridiculous things to see if they'll catch on. 

In kindergarten sometimes chewing out the bad kid doesn't do any good, but if you praise the good kids they'll do whatever they can to get you to praise them next.  Am I being  good?  If you have to ask, then no you're not!  I have five tables on the classroom side of my library. When I call the kids to line up, I use their table numbers.  I use their table numbers a lot.  Every kid knows what table they sit on.  I will often make a broad statement about table 1 sharing nicely, or that everyone on table 3 needs to sit correctly.  For the last couple of years, I have made an example of table 6. 

Mrs. Honey: Look how good table 6 is being today!  Wow table 6 is really following directions today!  Table 6 is sharing the crayons so nicely!  Mrs.  Honey is so proud of table 6!  I sure wish everyone was as good as table 6!

These statements are followed by all the kids looking around the room trying to see the kids on table 6 and trying to figure out how they can be better then table 6.  If you have been paying attention better then a kindergartner, then you will realize that there is NO TABLE 6.  It does not exist except in my mind.  In my mind I see a lovely table surrounded by clean children who are not picking their noses and eating boogers.  They are quietly working on their papers and have all neatly written their names on their papers spelled correctly and legible.  Their butts are not sticking in the air with their questionably clean underwear showing.  Or worse no underwear and bare butts showing. 

But anyway back to the nonexistent table 6.  In all the times I have used table 6 not one kindergartner has caught on.  Until last week, when I heard a little voice tell me after I had praised table 6....

"But Mrs. Honey, you don't have a table 6." 

Well hopefully no one will ever be as bad table 7.

I always win

I love it when I out smart ass the king of the smart asses. 

There is one boy in my Wednesday 5th grade who seems to be testing me.  Every week he tries so hard to disrupt my class by acting stupid.  Sorry there is no polite way to describe how he acts every week except stupid.  I usually have to spend the first five minutes of my class getting him to shut up and the other kids to stop laughing at him which only makes him worse. 

So one week, I asked him if I needed to call his mother who I know personally and let her know how he acts in my class.  The mother threat did not deter him. 

Stupid Boy:  "So, call her, she ain't gonna do nothing" 

Mrs. Honey:  "Well fine, I'll just call your dad"

Stupid Boy:  "You don't know his number"

Mrs. Honey:  "Well I can get it from the office" 

Stupid Boy:  "They don't have his number" 

Well at this point I realized that there was no point in continuing this argument, so I told him to be quiet and started my class.  He thought he won.  He was wrong. 

The next week before class I went and got his student info sheet from the office and made a copy.  I then wrote ALL his parents contact numbers across the top of my white board.  I did not put their names, just initials and the numbers.  I then waited till class started.  I said not a word about the numbers.  Some of the kids noticed the numbers on the board and asked me what they were.  I just shrugged my shoulders and didn't answer them.  Stupid boy had not noticed them yet.  He finally turned around and saw the numbers on the board.  He raised his hand and asked why I had his parents numbers on the board. 

Mrs. Honey:  "Well who knows when I might need them"

Stupid Boy:  "Well thats not my dad's initials anyway"

Mrs. Honey:  "Really"  I then whip out the copy I made of his data sheet and wave it around in the air.  "Thats not what your mom wrote on this sheet"

He never said another word,  I have not had a single problem from him since.  If he starts to act stupid I just look at the board and then look back at him. That pretty much makes him rethink whatever he was about to do. 

This happened about a month ago and I still have the numbers on the board.  In fact it has worked so well, I may add a few more numbers to my board!

Zombie Attack

I swear my first grade class today was replaced by zombies.  Really dumb zombies. They couldn't get a single question even when I gave them the answers.  I was so frustrated I started throwing my slate pen.  Fortunately its tethered so it didn't go very far.  My lesson was on the Table of Contents and how to use it. 

Here are a few examples of what happened today.....

Mrs. Honey:  Boys and girls the table of contents is the page that shows all the CHAPTERS (I said this very loudly) in a book.  So what does a book need in order to have a table of contents?

Student 1: Author
Mrs Honey: No

Student 2: Illustrator
Mrs Honey: No 

After five more completely wrong answers I finally said: "Boys and girls Mrs. Honey just said a table of contents lists the chapters, so a book has to have Chapters to have a table of contents. So what does a book need in order to have a table of contents?"

Students:  An AUTHOR!

I then gave them an example table of contents with three chapters. 

Fish........Page 1
Frogs......Page 3
Bugs.......Page 6

Mrs. Honey: Okay boys and girls if I want to read about Bugs, which page do I need to turn to?

Student 1: Yes
Mrs Honey:  This is not a yes or no question boys and girls.

Student 2:  No!

Someone please stab me with my slate pen and put me out of my misery!